Alcohol Jokes: Fun Alcohol Drinking Humor – Part II

Alcohol jokes are fun to read and tell. Includes jokes, puns and “walks into a bar.” Share your favorites with friends and family. Gin-uinely hope you enjoy them!

                    OVERVIEW

I.   General Alcohol Jokes and Puns

II.  “Walks into a Bar”

III. Resources: Alcohol Jokes

Be sure to visit Drinking Jokes and One Liners.

I. General Alcohol Jokes and Puns

  • alcohol jokesI found fifty bucks inside a liquor store. They were just shopping for a stag party.
  • I spilled all my vodka today. It was an Absolut loss.
  • I bought an alcoholic ginger beer. He wasn’t happy.
  • My girlfriend is a moonshiner. But I love her still.
  • I am giving up drinking alcohol for the month of January. Sorry that was a typo: I am giving up. Drinking alcohol for the month of January.
  • A wife finds her husband sipping rum on the patio. He says, “I love you so much, I have no idea what I would do without you”. The wife asks, “Is that you talking, or the rum?” He says, “That’s me, talking to the rum.”

   Bottles of Wine

  • alcohol jokesI went to the liquor store today and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay. The cashier asked “you wanna box for those?” I looked at him and said “No, I hate violence. Can I just pay with my card?”
  • A man was brought to court for drunken behavior. The Judge said to him, “You have been brought here for drinking.” Drunken man, “Thank you very much your honor. Let’s start.” Spectators burst out laughing. Banging the gavel, the Judge said, “Order.” Drunken man, “For me whiskey with soda please.”
  • Somebody should make a beer called “Occasionally.” So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally.”

   Rum

  • alcohol jokesHow much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk? A galleon.
  • I like my movies as I like my rum — pirated
  • I asked the bartender for something cold and filled with rum…So he yells into the back room, “Hey Tiffany, someone is here looking for you!”
  • A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which he receives.The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink. The preacher replies, “I’d rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let alcohol touch my lips.” The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”

   Prohibition

  • Where did mice get their alcohol during Prohibition? The Squeakeasy.
  • alcohol jokesPolice stop an elderly man at 2:00 a.m. and is ask him where he is going at this time of night.The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body,  as well as smoking and staying out late.” The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?” The man says, “That would be my wife.”
  • What did the drunken man ask his friend? Can I hangover at your house?
  • It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right. Alcohol IS a solution.
  • My wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer. The police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

   Greek Food

  • alcohol jokesI always eat Greek food to cure my hangover but it never works. I still falafel.
  • Confucius say, “Man with large beer belly have perpetual hangover.”
  • My brother went to his AA meeting drunk, then he tripped down the stairs. He’s been having lots of trouble with the steps lately.
  • I drank a lot of alcohol at the airport last night. Now I have a terminal hangover.
  • Last Saturday morning I was woken up by my neighbor’s mower going at 7 in the morning. I had a terrible hangover so I thought, “Screw him, he can cut around me.”

   Alcoholics Anonymous

  • It’s called Alcoholics Anonymous…….But you have to introduce yourself?!
  • alcohol jokesSome people say I drink like a fish, but I just tuna them out.
  • Why does going out in the cold kill your buzz? Because it makes you so-brr!
  • Beer cures what ales you.
  • Take a pitcher – it’ll last longer.
  • Whiskey vs. vodka – now that’s a spirited debate!
  • I like drinking, but tequila is where I draw the lime.
  • Let the good times be gin.

   Budweiser

  • I used to drink all brands of beer. Now, I am older Budweiser!
  • Alcohol not only expands the blood vessels but also communications.
  • alcohol jokesDon’t drink and drive because you might spill the drink.
  • She says I’m pretty sober, but I’m prettier drunk.
  • What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men if they drink too much.
  • I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home. That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
  • What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A drink in each hand!

II. Walks Into a Bar

  • alcohol jokesAn iceberg walks into a bar. Orders a single beer and leaves $100. Bartender: Wow! That’s really generous! Iceberg: That’s just the tip of the iceberg!
  • A dog walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, “Can I have a Bud Lite.” The bartender says, “Wow, that’s amazing! You should join the circus!” The dog asks, “Why? Do they need an electrician?”
  • A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. “I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I’ll sue you!” “How?” the bartender asks. “You have zero proof.”
  • A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey!” The horse says, “Yes, please!”

   Platypus

  • A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck. He finishes his drink and asks for his check. Duck billed platypus.
  • alcohol jokesA pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”
  • An alcoholic law student walks into a bar. He regretted not passing the bar.
  • A really bad impressionist walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”

   A Rope

  • A rope a walks into a bar. The bartender points to a sign, says “Can’t you read?! No ropes allowed.” The rope leaves the bar, ties himself into a bow and messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender says, “Aren’t you that rope again?” The rope says, “Nope, I’m a frayed not!”
  • alcohol jokesA pun walks into a bar, and ten people drop dead. Pun in, ten dead.
  • A snake walks into a bar. The bartender says, “How did you do that?”
  • A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the bartender what theyre for. The bartender says, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?” The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “No, the steaks are too high!”

III. Resources: Alcohol Jokes

Web Pages

Readings: Alcohol Jokes

Also, do you know of any alcohol jokes that should be added? If so, please contact hansondj (at sign) Potsdam (dot) edu/. In fact, readers help improve this website. So thank you for helping!