Drinking Jokes and One Liners (Fun Alcohol Humor)

Here you’ll find drinking jokes and one liners. Enjoy and share your favorites with family and friends!

  • drinking jokesA hamburger walks into a bar. The bartender says “We don’t serve food!” The hamburger says “That’s OK I just want a drink.”
  • A screwdriver goes into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The screwdriver asks, “You have a drink named Philip??”
  • So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . . .
  • A baby seal walks into a bar. “What can I get you?,” asks the bartender. “Anything but a Canadian Club,” replies the seal.
  • A minister, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. “What is this,” asks the bartender, “some kind of joke?”
  • A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
  • drinking jokesAn amnesiac walks into a bar. He goes up to a beautiful young woman and says, “So, do I come here often?”

A Neutron

  • A neutron walks into a bar. “How much for a beer?” the neutron asks. “For you?” says the bartender. “No charge.”
  • A snake crawls into a bar and orders a whiskey, but the bartender won’t serve him because he can’t hold his liquor.
  • The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
  • Three fonts (Comic Sans, Helvetica, and Times New Roman) walk into a bar. “Get out!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type here!”
  • A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter, and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
  • drinking jokesA kangaroo walks into a bar. He orders a beer. The bartender says, “That’ll be $10. You know, we don’t get many kangaroos coming in here.” The kangaroo says, “At $10 a beer, it’s not hard to understand.”
  • Two five-dollar bills walk into a bar and the bartender tells them that this is a singles bar.
  • A duck walks in a bar and orders a beer then says “Put it on my bill.”
  • So two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
  • A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Why the long face?”
  • A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says “Sorry, but we don’t serve minors.”

A Dog

  • drinking jokesA dog with his leg wrapped in bandages hobbles into a saloon. He sidles up to the bar and announces, “I’m lookin’ fer the man that shot my paw.”
  • A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, “You look nice today.” A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, “That’s a nice shirt.” The guy asks the bartender, “Who is that?” The bartender says, “Those are the peanuts. They’re complimentary!”
  • Charles Dickens walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a Martini.” The bartender asks “Olive or Twist?”
  • A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
  • drinking jokesA magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar. 
  • A Frenchman walks into a bar with a cat on his shoulder.The cat is wearing a little baseball cap. “Hey, that’s neat,” says the bartender. “Where did you get that?” “France,” the kitty says, “they’ve got millions of them!”
  • A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.

A Ghost

  • A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a whiskey. The bartender said “Sorry sir, we don’t serve spirits here!”
  • Hear about the lawyer who got tossed out of a saloon? He was disbarre
  • Math Teacher: “If I have 3 bottles in one hand and 2 in the other hand, what do I have?” Student: “A drinking problem.”
  • Two men walked into a bar. The third one ducked.
  • A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
  • The bartender says “we don’t serve time travelers in here”. A time traveler walks into a bar.
  • Some people like beer goggles. I prefer wine glasses.
  • Vodka isn’t always the answer. But it’s worth a shot.
  • Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
  • When I was a kid, I found a bottle of rum at the playground. So I took it to the police station. They said would get to the bottom of it.
  • Alcohol puns are always in pour taste.
  • Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
  • A jumper cable walked into a bar. The bartender said, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!
  • A weasle walks into a bar the bartender says “Wow I’ve never served a weasle before, what can I get you?” “Pop”, goes the weasle.
  • A dung beetle walks into a bar and says to another beetle ” Is this stool taken?”
  • A guy walks into a bar and is shocked to see a horse bartender. The horse demands, “Hey buddy, what’s the matter? You can’t believe that a horse can tend bar?” “No,” the guys says. “I can’t believe the ferret sold the place.”

Polar Bear

  • A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender: “I’ll have a Gin and…. …….Tonic.” The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”And the polar bear replies, “I don’t know, I’ve always had them.”
  • A Chinese guy, a Japanese guy, a Laotian, a Vietnamese guy, a Cambodian, and a South Korean try to walk into a fancy cocktail bar. The bouncer says, “Sorry, you can’t come in without a Thai.”
  • Give a man a duck and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to duck and he’ll never walk into a bar.
  • A crab walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a beer please, but if I’m  not satisfied with it, I’d like to be compensated with ten bottles of  champagne.” The bartender says, “Why the big clause?”
  • A tennis ball walks into a bar. The barman says, “Have you been served
  • A cornstalk walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Want to hear a joke?” The corn stalk replies, “I’m all ears!”

Alligator

  • A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: “Do you serve lawyers here?” The bartender says: “Yes, of course we do!” The man says, “OK, I’ll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator.”
  • Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H20 too.” The second chemist dies.
  • Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H20.” The second chemist says, “I’ll take a water too.” The first chemist gets angry. His assassination attempt failed.
  • Two chemists walk into a bar. The first chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H2O.” The second chemist says, “I’ll have a glass of H20 too.” The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homophones in coda position as well as pragmatic context.
  • A tarantula walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Care for a drink, sir?” Tarantula says, “Call me hairy.”
  • An amoeba walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Pay the tab before you split.”
  • William Shakespeare walks into a bar. The bartender says “I told you before.  You’re bard from this place!”
  • Q: What were the rednecks last words? A: “Hold my beer and watch this!”
  • Q: What does a ghost drink? A: Boos!
  • Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?… Got plastered…
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
  • My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
  • If you can’t drink and drive, why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol???

More Animals

  • A goat walks into a bar. Bartender says, “We don’t serve kids.
  • An ox walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Off the wagon again?”
  • An owl walks into a bar and says, “Hey, sweetie, how about you get the waitresses to sing me happy birthday?” Bartender says, “Sorry pal, this isn’t a Hooters.”
  • A sheep walks into a Boston bar. Bartender says, “Welcome to my baa.”
  • A beaver walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Close the dam door!”
  • A fish walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Shouldn’t you be in school?”
  • A lion walks into a bar. Bartender says, “First one’s on the house. You’re my mane man.
  • A buffalo walks into a bar. Bartender says, “Herd any good jokes lately?”

 

Quotes

There is no bad whiskey. There are only some whiskeys that aren’t as good as others. – Raymond Chandler

Here’s to alcohol, the rose colored glasses of life. – F. Scott Fitzgerald

Stay busy, get plenty of exercise, and don’t drink too much. Then again, don’t drink too little. – Herman Smith-Johannsen

See Also

You might also enjoy Prohibition Jokes.

Also see Alcohol Trivia Resources (& Links to Alcohol Trivia).

Sources of Drinking Jokes

 

Hope you enjoyed these drinking jokes. Know of any alcohol or drinking jokes that should be here? If so, contact hansondj(at symbol)potsdam(dot)edu/ Thanks!